I had a fairly in-depth conversation with a co-worker this past week on which we were discussing privilege. The question arose in my mind; how much does privilege affect our life and how aware, or unaware, of it are we? And how do privileges affect our happiness?
I’d like to think that I am aware of many of the benefits and blessings in my life. I have a fiance who loves me unconditionally, a family that provides undying support, and friends who continue to be friends no matter how bad of a friend I am. I have a job that is challenging, a roof over my head, and a plethora of food available whenever I desire it.
On top of all that I have many decadent aspects of my life. I live in a vibrant city that always provides something entertaining. I have a computer to connect me to anything my heart desires and a cell phone that can do everything for me (short of wiping my ass). My body is covered in tattoos and I enjoy more cannabis, alcohol, and tobacco than should be allowed for any responsible human being. Therefore, it would be fair to say that I live a very privileged life.
I was lucky enough to be born in the United States which has afforded me more freedoms than many, many, people in the world. Not only that, I am male and my skin color is white, which notwithstanding recent political events, is still the norm for power holders in this country. But all of these things come together to put me into the group of people that enjoy the most privileges in society.
On the other hand there are many people in our society who are greatly unhappy due to the lack of privileges that society bestows upon them. There are gays and lesbians who cannot share in the pleasures of marriage. There are minorities and impoverished who lack access to a decent education and honest jobs. Women, still to this day, face glass ceilings in many different fields. And for the most part this is not the fault of the individual but a result of the structure of society and its allocation of privileges.
However, the privileges and blessings bestowed upon me are not what makes me happy. The happiness in my life does not come from external factors; namely societal recognition. If I were only happy when society tells me I should be, or am allowed to be, I would never experience joy. I am not at the peak of my career. I am not married and am without children. My 401k is non-existent and I have no investments. I have not been recognized in any field that I work in for any degree of accomplishment. Yet most every day I am filled with a sense of joy.
Every day, or at least most days, I acknowledge the privileges that are taken for granted. I feel grateful for the use of both of my legs and arms; for my sense of hearing and sight. I thank the ‘all-that-is’ for the blessing of freedom of mind and freedom of choice. Not the freedom of choice to do what I want, to buy what I want, but to choose where I draw my fulfillment from.
My joy and happiness come from the simplest things in life. Many of which I consider privileges. Too often we get caught up in all of the things that we don’t have; the things society does not give to us freely. And the focus on those things causes us great unhappiness. We think that if we were to only attain those things, those privileges, then we could be happy. I am not saying one should accept a deplorable situation, indeed much happiness and fulfillment is derived from bettering one’s situation or for standing up for those who are unable to stand up for themselves. But I tell you, no amount of attainment, no degree of privilege can cause happiness.
The seeds of appreciation and gratitude must already be present for there to be any hope of true and lasting happiness.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The peak and foundation of human experience
I saw an episode of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” the other night and it was more intense than normal. The story featured a family that had lost a father and son to a drowning accident. The father had taken three of his children out to a pond for a day of swimming. With him was his eldest son, 17, youngest daughter, 6, and youngest son, 7. At some point the father decided to swim out to a grouping of rocks in the middle of the pond. He hoisted his daughter up on his shoulders and began the swim, unknowing of what was about to occur.
According to the daughter, about halfway to the rocks, her father tensed up and began to sink. Scared and hysteric she began screaming for help. Upon hearing his sister the eldest son, without hesitation, jumped into the water and swam out to where she was. The boy swam down to save his father and never returned. The pond was too deep, and his father too heavy, for him to make it back to the surface to save even his own life.
When this story was told I was hit by an intense emotion. It was not sadness. But an extreme feeling of love mixed with despair. I felt extreme compassion for the family. How hard it must be to deal with the loss of both a father and brother. Yet, what was resonating the most in my body and mind was love and caring. I felt the devotion, born of love, the son felt for his father. The extreme love that occurs when two individuals have eliminated their egos, their selfish needs, and the only thing remaining is intense, intense, love.
The type of love that is the peak of the human condition. Not a petty feeling or a meaningless gesture. But the type of action that transcends cultural definitions and experiences. It is a connection, in the truest sense, between people. When this love manifests in our daily lives, usually through extreme circumstances, we know the doer of the action as a “hero.” The recognition of this type of love is universal. All peoples have the ability to recognize and appreciate an act of selflessness; this type of love is the foundation of human nature.
The problem is, in contemporary society, we reserve our love for those who we deem worthy. Our parents, friends, and relatives often receive this type of love because it is expected. Our culture puts a double-bind on us saying that we MUST love these people yet it will only be excepted if it is done so willingly. Though this is the sad case some of the time, it still does not negate the fact that the double-bind helps us to activate that feeling and sense of extreme love for those that are close.
What I am suggesting is that we eliminate the enforced conditions of love, put on us by society, and start to do it consciously.
We must not choose who we deem worthy of our love. We must not hold people to specific criterion to receive our love. Because all people are operating from their own biased viewpoint (ego) no one will ever fully meet our criteria. These criterion come from a myriad of sources, namely religion and society. But these organizations do us a disservice as human beings. They give us too many requirements for people to meet in order to receive our love. Religion is quick to restrict love to only those in the same faith, let alone the same denomination and church. Society says that we should love only those who are on “our” side; those who share our goals. But how often do our goals shift and how often do our friends become enemies and vice-versa.
Definitions of love, whether handed down from politicians or clergy, do not reflect reality. In both cases they are used to advance the agenda of the leading party. What a travesty to destroy the purest and most intense human experience!
Love is a felt experience between two, or more, individuals. As such it cannot and should not be defined. It is always unique to the situation and the moment yet it is universal enough to be experienced at all times and with all people. In fact, this is the way to make real change in the world. To extend love to all peoples, especially those who you deem unworthy, and to begin cherishing their worthy character traits. If we look hard enough there is always something beautiful in another person. Once we can experience and appreciate the uniqueness of another, we become more and more, one individual, falling deeper and deeper into love.
Indeed, if you want to experience more joy, and less sorrow in your life, extend your feelings of love to more people. Buddhists talk of “sympathetic joy,” the feeling of joy when another is feeling joy. If you feel a degree of love for someone then you should literally be able to feeling their joy when they feel it. To be happy with your friend if they get a promotion or excited when your mother finally starts taking salsa dancing lessons. The best news is, as the Dalai Lama puts it, if you attempt to take joy in other people’s joy, you increase your chance at happiness six billion to one.
Coming back to the story of the son’s sacrifice for his father, it reminds us of the depth and intensity that love can take. It reminds us that love is the most beautiful thing in all of the universe and is at the base of all experience. Whether it is Jesus giving his life for God the father or this son giving his entire being to save his drowning father, both of their sacrifices remind us what it (life) is all about; Love.
According to the daughter, about halfway to the rocks, her father tensed up and began to sink. Scared and hysteric she began screaming for help. Upon hearing his sister the eldest son, without hesitation, jumped into the water and swam out to where she was. The boy swam down to save his father and never returned. The pond was too deep, and his father too heavy, for him to make it back to the surface to save even his own life.
When this story was told I was hit by an intense emotion. It was not sadness. But an extreme feeling of love mixed with despair. I felt extreme compassion for the family. How hard it must be to deal with the loss of both a father and brother. Yet, what was resonating the most in my body and mind was love and caring. I felt the devotion, born of love, the son felt for his father. The extreme love that occurs when two individuals have eliminated their egos, their selfish needs, and the only thing remaining is intense, intense, love.
The type of love that is the peak of the human condition. Not a petty feeling or a meaningless gesture. But the type of action that transcends cultural definitions and experiences. It is a connection, in the truest sense, between people. When this love manifests in our daily lives, usually through extreme circumstances, we know the doer of the action as a “hero.” The recognition of this type of love is universal. All peoples have the ability to recognize and appreciate an act of selflessness; this type of love is the foundation of human nature.
The problem is, in contemporary society, we reserve our love for those who we deem worthy. Our parents, friends, and relatives often receive this type of love because it is expected. Our culture puts a double-bind on us saying that we MUST love these people yet it will only be excepted if it is done so willingly. Though this is the sad case some of the time, it still does not negate the fact that the double-bind helps us to activate that feeling and sense of extreme love for those that are close.
What I am suggesting is that we eliminate the enforced conditions of love, put on us by society, and start to do it consciously.
We must not choose who we deem worthy of our love. We must not hold people to specific criterion to receive our love. Because all people are operating from their own biased viewpoint (ego) no one will ever fully meet our criteria. These criterion come from a myriad of sources, namely religion and society. But these organizations do us a disservice as human beings. They give us too many requirements for people to meet in order to receive our love. Religion is quick to restrict love to only those in the same faith, let alone the same denomination and church. Society says that we should love only those who are on “our” side; those who share our goals. But how often do our goals shift and how often do our friends become enemies and vice-versa.
Definitions of love, whether handed down from politicians or clergy, do not reflect reality. In both cases they are used to advance the agenda of the leading party. What a travesty to destroy the purest and most intense human experience!
Love is a felt experience between two, or more, individuals. As such it cannot and should not be defined. It is always unique to the situation and the moment yet it is universal enough to be experienced at all times and with all people. In fact, this is the way to make real change in the world. To extend love to all peoples, especially those who you deem unworthy, and to begin cherishing their worthy character traits. If we look hard enough there is always something beautiful in another person. Once we can experience and appreciate the uniqueness of another, we become more and more, one individual, falling deeper and deeper into love.
Indeed, if you want to experience more joy, and less sorrow in your life, extend your feelings of love to more people. Buddhists talk of “sympathetic joy,” the feeling of joy when another is feeling joy. If you feel a degree of love for someone then you should literally be able to feeling their joy when they feel it. To be happy with your friend if they get a promotion or excited when your mother finally starts taking salsa dancing lessons. The best news is, as the Dalai Lama puts it, if you attempt to take joy in other people’s joy, you increase your chance at happiness six billion to one.
Coming back to the story of the son’s sacrifice for his father, it reminds us of the depth and intensity that love can take. It reminds us that love is the most beautiful thing in all of the universe and is at the base of all experience. Whether it is Jesus giving his life for God the father or this son giving his entire being to save his drowning father, both of their sacrifices remind us what it (life) is all about; Love.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Who Are You?
Who am I?
It is a question that everybody is confronted with no matter their race, religion, or geographical location. It is a universal that is unbounded by the structure of culture and more personal than any question that could be asked.
Yet how many people actually ask this question? And if they do, how many actually go deeply into it.
It is easy to say "I am so and so" or "I am this or that profession." But is that really an honest answer? We point to our labels. A name is a word, an abstraction that only points towards life, but is not really life. We wear so many 'hats' throughout the day. And, for whatever reason, we believe that what ever 'hat' we are wearing at the time of inquiry is the hat we are, were, and will be for all time.
Yet how many times in a person's life do they have identity crises', large or small, and seek a new definition of themselves. People wake up and suddenly realize the life they've been living, the role they've been assuming isn't really them, isn't true to themselves, and they start resisting it. They quit a job, take up a new hobby, start a new project, and everything in between because they are rebelling against the person they have fallen into playing.
And that's just it. We've been playing this whole time yet we take it so seriously. We think that if we loose our titles then we would lose ourselves. If I am not my name, the balance in my bank account, my job, the car I drive or the house I own, then exactly who am I?
These are the things that are noticed by others. They are the proof of our hard work and right to live in this world; we are contributing to life and society. What we do not realize is that in all this action and striving, what we are looking for is not ourselves but the recognition of others. If others do not validate what we want to be then we say to ourselves "well, then, I guess I am not that thing."
This is absolutely ridiculous. How many writers, poets, painters, economist, historians, philosophers, etc. have aided in the development of mankind through their work yet were not validated as such in their lifetimes. They died without recognition as what they felt in their heart they truely were. Yet they continued to be themselves, as it is, and everyone since then has benefited from it.
We deny our true selves by becoming stuck in the situation of not being the labels we ascribe to ourselves nor in what society says what we SHOULD be.
The point is, for better or for worse, you are what you are doing. The only real activities in life, the only ones that are real for the individual, are the ones that are done for themselves. The ends are the means. Whatever it is you do. Do not do it because you are seeking fame, wealth, power, or status. Do it because it fulfills the true nature of your being. An artist should find fulfillment in the creation of their piece and not it's market value. A doctor should find reward in alleviating the suffering of a patient and not in his wealth or status.
This is not only applicable to the professional realm. It also hold true in relationships. The best mothers, brothers, cousins, friends, co-workers, etc. are the ones that enter into the relationship with complete love and humility. They are not expecting to gain anything out of the relationship. But are happy to participate in the experience itself.
In this universe of infinite potential, and in this time of unprecedented equality and possibility, anything can be. The point is the choice is in your hands. The more one lets society, and others, determine what they should be, the more they will feel out of place and the more they will try and fight life. The point is to take some time, do a personal inventory, and find out what really matters to you. What fulfills oneself? What activity can be done, day in and day out, without any extra incentive? Once you find these important things. The only thing left to do is to not wait for anything, not society not even yourself, and simply do them.
Take some time and really sit with the question: Who Am I?
It is a question that everybody is confronted with no matter their race, religion, or geographical location. It is a universal that is unbounded by the structure of culture and more personal than any question that could be asked.
Yet how many people actually ask this question? And if they do, how many actually go deeply into it.
It is easy to say "I am so and so" or "I am this or that profession." But is that really an honest answer? We point to our labels. A name is a word, an abstraction that only points towards life, but is not really life. We wear so many 'hats' throughout the day. And, for whatever reason, we believe that what ever 'hat' we are wearing at the time of inquiry is the hat we are, were, and will be for all time.
Yet how many times in a person's life do they have identity crises', large or small, and seek a new definition of themselves. People wake up and suddenly realize the life they've been living, the role they've been assuming isn't really them, isn't true to themselves, and they start resisting it. They quit a job, take up a new hobby, start a new project, and everything in between because they are rebelling against the person they have fallen into playing.
And that's just it. We've been playing this whole time yet we take it so seriously. We think that if we loose our titles then we would lose ourselves. If I am not my name, the balance in my bank account, my job, the car I drive or the house I own, then exactly who am I?
These are the things that are noticed by others. They are the proof of our hard work and right to live in this world; we are contributing to life and society. What we do not realize is that in all this action and striving, what we are looking for is not ourselves but the recognition of others. If others do not validate what we want to be then we say to ourselves "well, then, I guess I am not that thing."
This is absolutely ridiculous. How many writers, poets, painters, economist, historians, philosophers, etc. have aided in the development of mankind through their work yet were not validated as such in their lifetimes. They died without recognition as what they felt in their heart they truely were. Yet they continued to be themselves, as it is, and everyone since then has benefited from it.
We deny our true selves by becoming stuck in the situation of not being the labels we ascribe to ourselves nor in what society says what we SHOULD be.
The point is, for better or for worse, you are what you are doing. The only real activities in life, the only ones that are real for the individual, are the ones that are done for themselves. The ends are the means. Whatever it is you do. Do not do it because you are seeking fame, wealth, power, or status. Do it because it fulfills the true nature of your being. An artist should find fulfillment in the creation of their piece and not it's market value. A doctor should find reward in alleviating the suffering of a patient and not in his wealth or status.
This is not only applicable to the professional realm. It also hold true in relationships. The best mothers, brothers, cousins, friends, co-workers, etc. are the ones that enter into the relationship with complete love and humility. They are not expecting to gain anything out of the relationship. But are happy to participate in the experience itself.
In this universe of infinite potential, and in this time of unprecedented equality and possibility, anything can be. The point is the choice is in your hands. The more one lets society, and others, determine what they should be, the more they will feel out of place and the more they will try and fight life. The point is to take some time, do a personal inventory, and find out what really matters to you. What fulfills oneself? What activity can be done, day in and day out, without any extra incentive? Once you find these important things. The only thing left to do is to not wait for anything, not society not even yourself, and simply do them.
Take some time and really sit with the question: Who Am I?
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